


A Soldier's Resolve

by ticonderoga



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Study, Levi gets promoted, Private Levi, Scout Regiment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:27:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21623020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ticonderoga/pseuds/ticonderoga
Summary: The day humanity's strongest soldier became a captain was a somber miracle months in the making. One shot.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	A Soldier's Resolve

The inescapable heat was still barreling down in the late afternoon, forcing everyone to move at a snail's pace. Levi walked with purpose even as he walked back from the infirmary. His shirt clung to his body with sweat, the feeling making him more uncomfortable than the bandage tightly wound around his hand. The gash would scab over soon enough.

The venture outside the walls hadn't been a bad one by any means, the full force of the scouts wasn't even utilized. It was a surveillance run meant to scope out the land to help plan for the next actual full-fledged expedition—it would have been too hot if they had done it today. Still, they encountered a few measly titans and a fellow scout had accidentally cut him when they drew their blades too fast and too clumsily out of panic.

Levi had retreated begrudgingly when the order was given. After they made their way back to headquarters, the sighs of relief coming from the others were obvious; there was a sense of relief in him as well, but there was also a lingering sense of urgency, to have stayed out longer or to get back in the field quicker and cut the titans down. He felt this way each time they went out, a flicker of nervous excitement from fighting humanity's enemy—an eagerness. But after one look at his comrades, either terrified out of their minds as they departed or grief stricken when they returned, he tried to suppress those feelings.

Mike had spotted his bleeding hand when they dismounted their horses and ordered him to get it looked at. As his subordinate, Levi obeyed. Mike Zacharias was an admirable man. Aside from his uncanny sense of smell, for the most part, he was peculiarly quiet and dignified, something Levi respected. But Mike still had no problem in knocking him down a few pegs when he acted out. Although, it wasn't something he did often after being transferred to Mike's squad.

Levi had learned his place as a soldier, and it was to carry out commands even as the scout units were riding farther and farther away from their abandoned comrades—that was when he snatched a spare horse and circled back to the ruined village. Mike wasted no time in punishing him, and curiously he did it out of earshot of the other scouts.

_"You listen to the orders I give. The corps cannot afford losing you. I don't care for your thoughts on this matter. You will take that responsibility seriously."_

It was due to Levi's own pride that he was hostile toward Mike when they first met. The man had, after all, been the one to put the cuffs around his wrists and humble him—that was over a year ago. Since that time, Wall Maria fell and former commander Shadis stepped down, leaving the next commander, Erwin Smith, to take over and deal with the mess the titans made that day.

One of Erwin's first actions as the new commander included making changes to the corps from the inside and working his way out. He promoted new section commanders, one being Mike, and that was why Levi was transferred to his squad, Erwin didn't have a squad of his own anymore.

Erwin was cunning disguised by poise and charm, he always had so many tricks up his sleeves yet he didn't let anyone know it. Mike was probably only there to keep an eye on Levi since, as commander, Erwin couldn't do it himself anymore. But, Erwin wasn't anything if not respectable. Levi repeated that to himself over and over and over as, at the beginning of it all, he was to be put under Erwin's command after his first and previous squad leader, Flagon, and the rest of his squadmates died.

The thing was...Erwin made sense. Even in the wake of his friends' deaths, there was no use in trying to argue with Erwin. It was Levi's own arrogance that told him to avenge Isabel and Furlan, and his black and white thinking that wanted to point a finger at a single man to blame. But Levi suppressed the urge and forced himself to see things different from how he always viewed them. Erwin was not his enemy, he was just what Levi needed to expand his understanding, a truth that was difficult to accept; the world wasn't black and white, and the world wasn't divided into only underground and surface.

When Levi joined Erwin's squad and became a soldier with no ulterior motives, he saluted his new superior officer of his own accord. Levi's fingers curled easily into his palm and onto his chest. He wanted to prove himself worthy to follow him.

 _And he would continue to now, even if they no longer worked together directly_ , Levi thought as he made his way to the barracks. After reporting back to his squad and showering, he pushed himself to stretch out the time he took eating his final meal for the day. But no matter how many cups of tea Levi drank or conversations he was pulled into about some girl Anka's private life the faint glow of the sunset didn't seem to disappear. Levi sighed in annoyance and wished for nightfall, at least then he could try to get some sleep. But what a drag, lights out wasn't for another hour and a half.

On some nights it was futile trying to sleep, and he'd gotten so accustomed to it he could pinpoint exactly who the quiet sleepers, the snorers, and the sleep talkers were in the bunks. And on the occasion Levi could hear the muffled cries of soldiers into their pillows, he willed himself to fall asleep and grant them at least that bit of privacy.

Privacy. That would be nice. Levi had never been one to be fazed by nudity or uncomfortable in close quarters, he'd grown up underground after all. He'd already seen or lived through as many unsightly things as the mind could imagine. But at times, even just showering or pissing in an empty shower house would be a welcome reprieve.

But Gods know Levi never got what he wanted. He wasn't spiteful, but it wasn't as if he believed in that asinine children's fable either. Where some poet used a catchy verse and a squash farmer to make a point about reaping what you sow.

He couldn't tell if the poet was making a real effort to teach the kids a cheap lesson about being nice or something, or if the guy was a genius and the most brilliant thing he'd actually done was trick the people. That little story took on a life of its own as it was passed down from parent to child with sleepy voices and wide eyes. Instead of a simple moral of the story, it evolved into an entire belief that the joys and sorrows people experience come from whatever it is they've done from another time in another world. And thus now it goes the squash farmer didn't have the biggest harvest because of the work put into planting and cultivating squashes, but because it was destined to be that way.

It wasn't something Levi liked to think much about.

When he finally got to bed it turned out it was one of those nights. Where it seemed he was hyper aware of the heat and the sounds of pillows shifting or the raccoons running outside. Where it seemed even the moon pissed him off for illuminating the room too brightly, the snorers were rubbing it in his face how great a rest they were having, and he was the only one in the entire corps who was up.

Of course, he wasn't. Levi laid awake and listened to every sound made that night, but he never heard the conversation that was being had about him in a private office behind closed doors.

* * *

_"Have you forgotten the time he tried to kill you?"_

_The blunt question hadn't even caught Erwin off guard in the slightest. He remained perfectly straight in his seat as Mike stood on the other side of the wooden desk, arms crossed against his chest, the flickering light of the orange candle making both their shadows appear monstrous on the walls. Erwin replied, "That is a nonissue. Do you not trust him? You've been working with him directly for some time."_

_"I'll trust whatever decision you decide to make, I want to be sure you're making the right one first," Mike answered._

_Truthfully, Erwin had been thinking about it for some time now, and he would have done it sooner, at the same time as the others, but it didn't seem he'd be setting a good image for himself as the new acting commander by promoting a private of one year to section commander. And despite his undeniable skill, Levi's arrival to the scouts had already turned enough heads._

_"So, why?" Mike continued._

_"I am sure you are more than aware of his exceptional military prowess?" Erwin asked to which Mike nodded. There wasn't a single scout who didn't know it. They wrote letters back home speaking of a one man army, stories they actually experienced in battle, until hushed talk began to grow about the strongest soldier humanity has ever seen. "It's in the Scouting Regiment's best interest that we spread out our best talent and that includes our two most capable soldiers," Erwin finished._

_Mike thought about his words carefully. "Meaning you'll what? Make him a section commander? I've had him lead smaller groups before but I don't know how he would react to 40 subordinates under his command."_

_A small grin formed in the corner of Erwin's face, a slight glint in his eyes. "I actually planned on something else, a new position—"_

_"—You're going to change the structure of the chain of command?"_

_"Hardly," Erwin brushed off his question, "just one additional position. He'd rank under section commander, but he'd work directly under my orders. A captain."_

_"A captain, huh?" The amusement in Mike's tone was obvious and he finally let himself sit down across from Erwin with a sigh. "And what would he do as captain?"_

_"I need someone who can operate quickly. Someone whose role is flexible enough that I can make quick adjustments without rearranging the entire plan. He could be wherever I need him to be...and I'm sure it would go over well with the public that Humanity's Strongest Soldier is playing the long game."_

_"He'd hate it if you made that title official," Mike frowned, remembering when one of his subordinates jokingly called Levi that to his face. Mike was only passing through the mess hall when he witnessed the exchange. The glare was so harsh it shut the poor guy right up, and the resounding "shut up" as Levi stood up and walked away made even Mike wonder if someone could disguise embarrassment as irritation with that much expertise._

_"Anyway," Mike resumed, "why would you need somebody to do that? Unless…" He fixed his eyes on Erwin. "Just what are you planning?"_

_"I am looking out for the future of this organization. 12 commanders before me and they hardly changed a thing. We have new recruits pouring in each month and our list of fallen has never been higher. I am making necessary changes."_

_Mike knew that he was right. With the emergency recruitment after the fall of Wall Maria, too many people had been coming into the corps only to leave in a body bag on their way out. It was inhumane, but the royal government covered up their true motivations with a false sense of patriotism. He shuddered, "You're lucky he seems to trust you so much." Erwin raised a quizzical eyebrow but didn't comment. Then, a thought occurred to Mike, "He's from the underground, isn't he? And passing right over the cadet corps...did he ever receive any sort of schooling?"_

_"I'm afraid not" was Erwin's only response._

_"How's that going to go over with the higher-ups?"_

_"I was more concerned with how the rest of the scouts may react." Mike gave him a telling look of confusion. Erwin elaborated, "When he first joined with his two friends, the three of them were looked down upon for coming from the underground and not going through basic training."_

_"If I may be honest, unfortunately, I believe those who were here when he first arrived have either passed on now or they'd be blind not to notice his commitment."_

_Erwin slowly nodded his head. "I agree. Hange took a liking to him, right? I suppose whatever education he lacks he could find himself a teacher."_

_"Fortunately, he doesn't lack too much," Mike remarked, "at least as far as basic skills go." It would be surprising to see how his own subordinate would act as an officer. Though Levi carried a natural authority about him already, it'd be a change to see the aloof man order people around officially. But, the thought remained that while Levi could work in a team, he seemed to excel at following orders. "Would he even want to do it?"_

_"Did you want to do it?" Erwin easily countered, referring to his position as section commander. Mike shrugged and let him continue. "In times as trying as these we can only hope that people rise to the occasion, and thus far, I don't believe Levi has let us down, has he?"_

_Mike agreed and Erwin finally relaxed into his seat, the hardwood screeched in protest of the chair's movement as he stretched his legs. "Are you going to hold a formal ceremony? Promotions don't usually take place in the middle of the year."_

_"No. A smaller occasion, I will still need a witness for when he is sworn in if you wouldn't mind."_

_"I guess not...do you want me to bring it up with him?"_

_"No need. I'll speak with him personally." Mike heaved a sigh at his words. "What is it?" Erwin asked._

_"It's very unexpected is all, someone acting as your personal lackey. I feel this is in your own best interest." Erwin let his words sink in. Although he would call it a poor choice of words, he opted to tell Mike of his plans in the first place as he was a trustworthy adviser and even a part of his own squad some time ago._

_Erwin dismissed his comment. "Don't get the wrong idea, his position will be defined soon enough."_

_The candle continued to illuminate the room even as it burned dangerously close to the end of its wick, the flame neared its end just as their meeting did. Mike excused himself, but before parting, asked one more question, "Is he going to lead a team?"_

_Erwin's response was simple, "Not yet."_

* * *

The bandage around Levi's hand made gripping his right blade nearly impossible without disturbing the scab that was already forming, which was exactly what he did during their general inspection.

All scouts were made to stand in formation while all officers inspected the condition of their uniforms and functionality of their equipment, all the while rambling off elementary trivia about basic survey corps procedure all soldiers were expected to know or something along the lines of that.

When Mike had finally approached him for his turn there was no other way around it. Levi clasped his hand around the operating gear as he normally would and felt the bandage lose the pristine shape that was just wrapped earlier that morning. There was no way he'd be able to reuse the gauze.

When the inspection was through, dozens of shoulders relaxed and the uniformly straight columns of lined up bodies eased. He slowly unwrapped his hand and sighed in disappointment at the violent spots of red that littered the cloth.

"Levi," someone had called. He looked up expecting the brute form of Mike but instead saw Erwin approaching.

Levi's casual manner of speaking threatened to slip out until he remembered the soldiers who were still nearby. "Commander," he returned coolly. When Erwin stood before him, Levi guessed he probably expected a salute out of formality, but he awkwardly looked down at his hand that was still left partially unwrapped as a gesture. The man didn't seem to care anyway.

"What happened?" Erwin asked conversationally. Levi recounted the story as succinctly as he could, not caring for small talk.

"I see. It seems to be healing fine."

'"Yes," Levi agreed gruffly and began to rewrap his hand in the hopes that he communicated his impatience.

"Right," the man had finally acknowledged, shifting to the real subject he came to discuss, "I'd like to speak with you privately, as soon as you are able."

"What for?" was Levi's immediate response. He eyed him suspiciously but Erwin's face betrayed no emotion and neither did his posture.

"You'll know soon enough." Erwin motioned to Levi's hand. "Why don't you head up to the infirmary to get that rebandaged and come to me when you're done. I take it you remember where my office is?"

Levi nodded his head and Erwin took his leave. Levi racked his brain for anything noteworthy he had done in the last month. He hadn't slipped up or acted out or done anything contentious to draw attention to himself. So why the hell would Erwin want to speak with him?

* * *

"Sounds like a bullshit position to me," Levi countered, quickly striking down his proposal.

Retracing his steps back to Erwin's new office had been easy enough to recall since the first and only time he'd been there. What was different this time around was the room was no longer bare, there were no more boxes meant to be stored away or thrown out from Shadis's term. The office was impeccable, filled to the brim with various mediums for knowledge. There were collections of textbooks and journals stacked uniformly on the shelves, file cabinets stood large and grand, maps were stored into bins with care rather than hanging for decoration, and one giant window overlooked the courtyard. The man sitting in the center of it all may very well have been a part of the room too. Erwin sat proudly in his seat, and like the grandiose desk that was situated before him, he appeared to settle into his new office naturally.

Whereas for Levi, even the chair he sat in seemed to provide more space than he actually took up. He relaxed into the high backrest and threw his arm over the side when Erwin spoke again, "I understand if this is unexpected. However, I am confident that you can do far greater work for the survey corps as an officer than part of the rank and file."

"Yes, it would seem more work is exactly the case," Levi snarked, sinking deeper into the chair.

Erwin didn't even raise a brow, only fiddled with a pen as he nonchalantly began looking over the few papers laid out before him. "Are you opposed to this?" he questioned.

"I am opposed to having a greater responsibility for the lives of my comrades on my back."

"Unfortunately, I believe Humanity's Strongest Soldier already carries that burden."

"Don't start with that," Levi bit. He doesn't know where talk of that ridiculous name began but it was embarrassing and burdensome. All he ever did was do his job, if he did happen to receive praise then maybe that meant he was doing a good one. But to have his comrades and people speaking of him like that was laughable. They'd be the fools if he ever fell short. How could the "strongest" be as indecisive and single-minded as he was?

"People look up to you, Levi."

"People like you are better off at dealing with the masses." Levi couldn't imagine himself doing it. His purpose there was to play as one of the instrumental soldiers to Erwin's plans, he'd made peace with that. There was no way he could wrap his head around having an actual stake in the battle, to be acting as one of the minds that would be furthering their cause. That would only put him in the position where he could screw up and the consequences wouldn't befall just himself. "I'd be a poor choice."

"Do you think you're undeserving?"

Levi tried to explain, "Here I do what I'm told, that's my place. If people start viewing me as anything other than a soldier, they'd be sorely disappointed. I've given them no reason to believe otherwise." That was the truth of it all. He was just a soldier, just a kid picking fights on the street, a thug who made it to the surface. Somewhere, there was a person, there were other people, smarter, more optimistic, more virtuous than he was, aching to see the outdoors, only they were stuck in the underground, while he took only the anger he had with him and brought it straight up to the surface.

"That is exactly why I chose you. You're the greatest soldier I've ever seen in battle."

"Couldn't it be said that's the only thing I'm good for?" Levi deadpanned, not out of self-pity, it was an all too self aware observation. There were many others who could make a better officer.

"No, you're wrong. What makes you a good soldier is your determination, not your physical ability alone. Everyone fights for a cause and yours is just as noble as the rest of ours. I have never seen you give up. In the bigger picture, you've never faltered in your beliefs."

"If I have do you think I would tell you?"

Erwin was quick to respond, it was clear he'd been preparing for this, "I think you've had the ability to walk out whenever you pleased despite the danger leaving the corps may present you. Still, you remain. Why? Because I told you to? Can you remember why?"

Levi had no response to give to the man. Had he forgotten why he chose to dedicate his life in the first place? Or was it so obscured by his peculiar urge to serve Erwin? The same person who brought him out of the slums and out of a life of crime was asking one thing of him, why was he hesitating?

"Who am I but a man given the reigns of control to achieve my vision? What do you see, Levi? Because from where I stand, I've only ever seen a man who doesn't want all of humanity to be damned. Your unwavering optimism is only thinly veiled by your relentless fight against the titans, for humanity. We've come to rely on you."

This was not the conversation Levi was expecting to have when Erwin called for him. But in retrospect, he'd rather have taken a reprimanding over this. At least then he could walk away with some indignation rather than his own guilt. He stood up rigidly.

"Where are you going?" Erwin asked concerned.

As if their conversation had never occurred, Levi answered stiffly like it was obvious, "As a private, I am obligated to assist in the mess hall." His lackluster attempt at ending the discussion was very much evident and underwhelming, also very unreasonable as the commander could surely excuse him from kitchen duty quite easily. But Levi's lack of interest wasn't lost on Erwin and he thought it best to allow the soldier to leave.

"With one hand?" Erwin attempted to joke as he let him go. Levi said nothing as he walked toward the door. "Won't you think about it?" he tried one more time.

"I might," was Levi's only answer as he tugged on the door handle more roughly than called for to get the giant door shut firmly behind him.

* * *

Levi had left on horseback in the evening thinking the weather would have cooled by the time he made it into town. Using one hand to hold the reins had been challenging enough, but trying to walk under the crowded and meager areas of shade along the street had been even more so.

Officially, the holiday wasn't until tomorrow, but duties around the corps had ended early that day and most scouts were eager to shed their uniforms and enjoy the break. He waited around for the barracks to clear out before he decided to follow after, heading into town by himself. His journey there had been peaceful, and after slipping into a small eatery and ordering himself something to drink, he was content with finding a table inside near a bright window and reading a forgotten newspaper someone must have left behind. His hands were calloused, his neck was stiff, and his shoulders were tense. But despite the numb pains, he willed himself to relax.

The paper relayed information on the upcoming celebration for the King's coronation, advice columns on how to remove stains from bed sheets, an advertisement for the cadet corps, and news that the florist across town had been thriving from the wet season. It felt good to hang around the town's citizens, to sit down and only hear the soft chatter of people eating. Parents were walking with their children bumbling around in tow, and teenagers were running around the square, their faces turned golden from the sun. A couple strode by, seemingly lost in a daze as they ignored everyone else in town. It was slow, and it was lazy, but it was good.

Levi sat back and took in all that was around him, he wanted to enjoy his time off. Through habit, he made to grab his cup but stopped just short of the brim when he saw the cloth still wrapped around his right hand. He heaved a large, discontented sigh and picked the cup up with his left instead. His right hand laid uselessly on the table before he shoved it out of sight into his pocket out of annoyance.

The newspaper inexplicably lost his interest as he tried reading it again but couldn't focus, and his quiet environment vanished when a trio of excessively loud and boisterous men stomped and hollered their way to the front counter to order food. Just one day would be more than enough for him to lay back and not have to worry about anything. He huffed and slouched into his chair.

Levi watched out the window in boredom as he begrudgingly finished the remainder in his cup. People were still acting just as carefree as ever, only now he didn't enjoy it; and when he recognized the faces of some of his comrades as they stepped out of a pub and into his view, he figured out why.

There was plenty of time left in the day but he decided to hold out until later to return back to the base. The nagging feeling never left him since he stepped out of Erwin's office, he had just gotten used to ignoring it. It'd been almost two weeks since then and he still hadn't given the man his answer.

After his meeting with Erwin, he had set his mind on a firm refusal. What was he so hesitant about? He didn't want people looking to him, relying on him, or worse, blaming him. After Isabel and Furlan died, there was only one thing he wanted to do, he was sure of it. Erwin saw that there was something in Levi that could be useful. Erwin had been the first one to overlook his upbringing and to trust his talent. Erwin trusted him, so much that he wanted to make it official and look past the circumstances that brought the two of them together, and Levi felt compelled to honor that action.

Erwin was leading him to whatever dream in the sky it was that he held, and fresh out of the depths of the underground with the sun blinding him, all he had to do was follow. It took so long to get there, but the easiest decision he ever made was trusting Erwin, and if this was what Erwin wanted from him…

It would be so easy to tell him no and continue to go about his life until it met its probable end inside a titan's mouth. At least then he'd die alongside his comrades rather than order them to do it without him. His comrades deserved a life outside the military and outside the walls, something Levi could hardly imagine himself having. He began to make his way back to the barracks.

He still walked in the shade, but this time he walked alone as everyone else opted for the road that shone orange from the late evening and the cool breeze that began to settle in. There were still scouts littered all over the street and running into and out of establishments, likely with no intention of returning until after dark. Although the town was still abuzz with life, his walk was quiet as no one seemed to bother him. The thought made him slink deeper into the shade.

There was no way he could take that from anyone—from them. His comrades, who, despite risking their lives for the good of humanity and die all the same, still find something to enjoy in their downtime. Still hang around each other and visit local pubs for a drink, still make friends who can change their lives despite losing ones who already have. They all had families to go back to, people who were waiting for them, and a civilization of folks who were looking to them for their liberation. There was no way he wanted to see them fail.

There wasn't much going for Levi, not in the way those people have. He'd already done so much in his life, enough for a lifetime, and he wondered how much further he would go if it meant all these people could keep their livelihood and not sacrifice so much of their own selves, to lose so much of their own being.

As the townspeople shuffled about, arguing, laughing, yelling, crying to one another, the realization dawned on him that these people, these same civilians who've, since birth, lived in fear of the threat looming over their heads, still knew what it meant to live a vibrant life. Everyone had their own issues to deal with, but where they rebounded with a white light in their eyes, he was left seeing grey.

And to those he left behind in the underground, well it's obvious they'd been through enough. And even without a lifetime or a moment's worth of struggling, everyone deserved the right to have that same light in their eyes.

That was what he really wanted to protect, something that seemed too far gone for him and what he was too naive to have done for Isabel and Furlan. Those two were the ones who still knew what it was like to feel painfully human, to feel longing and need, comfort and friendship, joy and envy. But Levi dragged them down with him, until their own heads rolled and eyes closed. Not everyone was cut out for it, he learned, as he was left standing alone in the storm that day feeling like the world had conspired against him.

It was impractical, yes, to think that the fates had aligned just for him alone; the world gave so little to him, he should have the right to be selfish. But what was it then that changed his mind? The next thing he saw was Erwin, and no matter how he twisted it, his memory was clear as day: the words Erwin had told him, they way Erwin was able to shut him up so quickly despite his rage, and the way he was left dumbfounded as Erwin rode away confident and determined.

That was the kind of resolve Levi longed for, the type of goal he needed to have, one he couldn't see when he was underground. He thought living on the surface was the end goal but it was only a checkpoint.

He understood it then. There could be no end goal worthwhile so long as the walls still blocked whatever lay beyond them, there was no real future ahead of anyone so long as the titans outlasted them. Even then it still took Levi so long to see. He couldn't give into his own desires, not until every person within the walls could give into the same selfishness he wanted.

Everyone was dealt a cruel card, not just himself—that's what he learned from Erwin. And dreams that don't consider the livelihood of everyone aren't worth wasting time on, that's what Erwin meant that day. There was no individual inside the walls, they were a whole that needed to be saved. And that wouldn't happen, not until Levi could put the people before himself, just like Erwin.

Maybe that's why Levi followed him so ardently. It wasn't so much out of obedience, rather a desire to imitate the actions of a man he admired. In that way Levi wasn't so different from the rest of the herd, he still felt that childish need to look up to somebody. But now that person he looked up to wasn't calling for a disciple but an equal, someone to stand on the same level ground—really, that was the ultimate form of flattery. And if Erwin told him to give his heart to humanity then Levi already knew the choice he'd make before having to be asked.

The hours wound down as he made his way back to camp, the shadow behind him was the only grey he could spot.

* * *

"So have you given it any thought?" Levi's head snapped up at the unexpected question. He thought he had made it just in time before the infirmary closed when he jogged up to the entrance and the door was still unlocked. But it turned out the sole occupant was just Hange who was fumbling around with the cabinets and leftover bottles of pills and remedies laid out on the counter. He stood awkwardly at the door, wondering if the place was still open. It wasn't, Hange told him, but she let him come in anyway.

"What do you mean?" was his cautious response. After finding out that there were no nurses or staff around, Hange had offered to unbandage and examine his hand—the reason he came by in the first place. She was knelt before him and kept her focus on cutting the bandage off.

"Well I know the commander asked something pretty special of you," she replied coolly. Hange wasn't someone he was exceptionally close with. Apart from coordinating together on expeditions should the need arise, and the few and far between brief conversations they've had when she would pop out of nowhere unexpectedly, their paths didn't cross often. But her casual curiosity about his meeting with Erwin did surprise him.

"I'm giving him my answer tonight." That was true, Levi was going to stop by the commander's office after his hand checked out. The absurd amount of time he took to make his mind up made him want to roll his eyes in retrospect, almost a month.

"Any chance you'll tell me beforehand? I can keep a secret." The bandage fell loosely from his hand and Hange chucked it into the wastebasket in the far corner, just nearly missing the rim. She smiled up at him with a childish eagerness.

"Not a chance," Levi shot back easily, his tone probably sounding sharper than intended. She exaggerated a sigh and stood up, eyes quickly scanning the room until she snatched a clipboard and pen left on the counter and stood back in front of him.

"You know, as your commander, I feel there are some superiority privileges I could impose on you, _private_." Her pen clacked the clipboard mindlessly.

He looked away, really not wanting to tell her before Erwin. "Just hurry up and finish," his voice was softer this time as he remembered to mind his manners, "please."

"Yeah, yeah." Hange relaxed. "Save that kind of attitude for when you're captain." He visibly stiffened but hopefully the perceptive commander didn't notice, she was flipping through the clipboard and his head hung down. "Alright, open and close your fist."

Levi followed through her list of commands to check his mobility, everything seemed to be feeling fine to him and the scar was just a faint white line. She scrawled out sentence after sentence on that clipboard, a surprisingly detailed analysis of his hand went down on those papers that she seemed to grab haphazardly out of nowhere. His eyebrows raised but he didn't question it. Despite her borderline lunatic attitude and disorganized behavior, she was a section commander in her own right. Everyone in the scouts depended on her intelligence and ingenuity no matter how unconventional it seemed, almost the complete opposite of someone else he knew. And, she had been the first person to genuinely praise him when he joined the corps, he hadn't forgotten that.

"I guess that means you'll also be getting a room to yourself." He peered up at her and she chuckled, eyes still glued to the clipboard. "You're good to go."

Perhaps it was time for him to realize why he continued fighting in the first place. It wasn't a need to follow Erwin. It was Levi's own realization that they have the same goals. He was already in too deep to back out now. He lost his friends to this life and it seemed obvious he would lose many others. But if doing this meant he could somehow work toward a better future, no matter how long it took, how could he refuse when so many others were counting on him?

It was hard to come to terms with, but Levi knew what the right decision was. He hoped it was something he could be proud of, wondered if Isabel and Furlan would support it. He couldn't let them down now, but he also couldn't kid himself; the difficult part was yet to come, perhaps his own bedroom would be a welcome distraction.

* * *

"Looks like our strongest soldier is about to be a captain." Hange mock sniveled.

It was a beautiful evening, just about sundown when the makeshift ceremony was held. The soft beams of fading light that streamed in through the high windows still shone a brilliant marigold; its glow on the stone floor gave the impression of grandeur like a castle from the tales the townspeople liked to speak of.

"But don't worry, Mike, I bet you'd still take him in an arm wrestle," Hange laughed.

Both Hange and Mike, illuminated in the light's glow, lounged casually in their seats. The sunset brought out the hues of their eyes, their direct gazes accentuated because of it. They arrived together, signalling the beginning of the promotion now that the witness plus one had arrived. Erwin stood before all of them with an easy smile despite the paper he was reading from being a tediously lengthy bore. They were all tired from the long day and wanted to get it over with.

Yet Levi couldn't keep his focus, everything jumped out at him. The slight draft that snuck its way into the hall indicating the looming nightfall, the clarity of Erwin's booming voice that bounced off the walls and startled him, the way Hange anxiously tapped the toe of her boot on the stone ground.

He felt completely out of place. Not even two years ago was Levi underground and meticulously counting out the coins he'd need to save for the week. It hadn't even been two years since he was planning out a life for himself on the surface, one where he could get by as a farmhand or blacksmith, where Isabel could spend her days as a shop worker and Furlan could lend a hand to a tailor—he'd always been handy with stitches anyway. Any job that would let them get by should have been enough for them if they could manage to stay out of trouble for long enough.

But those visions were gone, absolutely crushed by the very thing they had been hoping to obtain for so long. Now only Levi remained, desperately grabbing for a future that wasn't meant for him. He needed help and he needed guidance and his pride got in the way each time. But when Erwin came around, he thought he had finally found his solution: Erwin could be the one.

And he was. Erwin did more than Levi could ever thank him for. Erwin gave him a choice, the opportunity to dictate his own life. Something taken away from him when his mom died, something Kenny took away from him, something the circumstances of living in the underground never allowed him.

On the surface, he was allowed to see the bigger picture. He could choose for himself what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, if he wanted a simple one at that. But also on the surface was a calling greater than one he could have ever imagined for himself—one even greater than Erwin. One that called for all of him, all his strength, all his mind. It was unfortunate for Levi, really, that he never ran from a fight—Kenny taught him not to after all. But how different would his life be now if he backed away from all the trouble that always seemed to find him? It couldn't leave him, so much that he had forced himself to deal with it head on and gotten used to it, so much that one would wonder if he'd actually been searching for it all this time.

Just as it seemed he was now, as Erwin offered it to him with a sympathetic smile because even a man like Erwin didn't know how much longer humanity could continue down its destructive path. But as leaders do, they continued to scream for their soldiers to march forward anyway. And for the great leaders, while dying alongside their own soldiers on the battlefield was a poetic thing to do, Levi hoped that in a moment like that his selfishness could overtake him just one last time.

But Levi had never been a coward. And he never agreed with the poets anyway.

Dusk settled in for the night just as Levi's right fist landed wearily over his heart and he felt the bite of his nails dig into his palm. _For humanity_ , he reminded himself.

To save face, Levi thought himself lucky that no one could hear the conversation he had in his head, the one where he wondered if his end would come from the very life he wanted to reject but nevertheless the kind of life he'd always been chasing.

**Author's Note:**

> Always open to hearing your thoughts, also on ff if that works for you :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> 


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